"Next Year"

Six years ago, my marriage ended.  

I thought that my “six years later/perfect picture” would look much different. Seems to me that those “perfect pictures” are the contributing factors that ended my marriage in the first place, but that is for a separate conversation altogether.

This morning, I wake up with a grateful heart because this was my first year on the beach vacation with my family that I didn't "wish" for anything. There was no undertone of sadness or regret like the last years. There was no wish for a different future.

Let me explain: Every family vacation or holiday gathering the first five years post divorce, I sat on that beach (or in a home) with the mentality of "next year" I will have ____________, "next year" I will be ______________. Always next year. Always wishing for something different than the position I was standing. "Next year" I would show my family and friends my success in ____________. My family would catch me saying, "LUCKY!!!!" (family joke)

Fill in the blanks with whatever your "next year" could be. For FIVE YEARS I lived in that wishing for my "perfect picture" for my "next year" and I measured my value and success against what I didn't have. Did you catch that?  

I MEASURED MY VALUE AND SUCCESS AGAINST THE THINGS I DIDN'T ATTAIN OR HAVE.

Year six..... 2016, I went through some terrible things. And by terrible, I mean TERRIBLE and WONDERFUL! Had I not lived through it, I would not know my own strength and the fact that I could not have gotten through it without my Savior. My confidence muscle grew and my stillness muscle grew ALOT. I would not understand Grace at all had I not gone through it! I would not know how to live in the mentality of peace and present-mindedness.

I am overwhelmed today because I sat on my beach and I looked at the beautifully painted sunsets and embraced the "nows" in my life. I did not focus on the storm behind me rolling in. (see picture) I enjoyed my beautiful happy family! And by beautiful happy family I mean.... WE are CRAZY too! I love what graduate school and my therapist training has taught me about family systems. We are not perfect but we love big. We celebrated togetherness... and needed space sometimes too! Joy and Laughter abounded. Simplicity was embraced. I experienced it all, and not ONE TIME, NOT ONCE did I think to myself, "next year."

I didn't look back and wallow in my past storms either. 

I do honor them.

In my stillness over that terrible wonderful 2016 I was in the trenches, and it was hard. I stayed still, but it was hard. I learned that the old way of doing things was not serving me well. I learned about love, practiced gratitude and mindfulness, and practiced how to be present. There was a total mind shift! All my "next years" are not a part of my process, and I am DELIGHTED IN MY NOW!!!

I AM DELIGHTED IN MY NOW!!!

I am so glad I did not get what I wished for.... I would not be the woman I am now. I love my NOW. There is no "wishing" Only expectation for more amazing experiences of love, joy, and abundance.  

The grit, blood, sweat, and tears it took to get here was so worth it! Nothing of value comes easy and without a price... It was hard work. It isn't easy. If you want more freedom, I can teach you.

Let freedom ring!