Surprised By Love

“But me he caught—reached all the way
 from sky to sea; he pulled me out of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down,
  But God stuck by me.  
He stood me up on a wide-open field; 
I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

Surprises are my love language. (Not really.... but kinda)  

I feel loved when someone thoughtfully brings me a surprise.  It can be a flower, a note, a call.  Or any little thing, really.  It’s the time and thought someone takes to show me that they care that fills my heart with so much joy.

God has been teaching me about his love for me.  Sometimes, He takes me by surprise by the little gifts he gives me that are just between us.  Only in the secret places of my heart does He know these little longings.  I shouldn't be, but I am surprised to be loved.  

I am surprised by His love. 

I imagine that He gets a lot of joy from giving them to me.  I know when my kids are given a surprise by me, that I am delighted.  

Like the time the ice cream truck came through......

It was a few hours before dinner and the chimes of the ice cream truck came through the neighborhood.  Perturbed by this scenario and what I knew was about to play out.... I sighed.  What kind of person drives an ice cream truck through the neighborhood before dinner!?  It NEVER comes in our neighborhood!   Now I am going to be the "bad guy" and have to say no!  

Immediately, I heard Tripp scurry upstairs to get his money.  "Mommy!  The ice cream truck!!!! Can we?????"  

(I get called mommy when they want something)  

"Can we get some???   I'll pay for it?!"  He was bursting with hopefulness.  

(Gosh, how many times have I wanted something, bursting with hopefulness?)

I said, "No," just as Lily was running in to ask the same thing.  

"NO NO NO.  We have icecream in the freezer," I said practically.  "You can have it after dinner."

"Mom  PLEEEEEZE?"

"NO, ITS TOO CLOSE TO DINNER…."

“MOMEEEEEE?????  PLEEEEEEZE????”  Tripp started with tears welling up in his sensitive little 8 year old eyes.  

“No, its not up for debate.  You don’t need it.”  

It was final.  I did not hear any more arguing about it, but I knew they were disappointed. I felt bad.  I started to remember a disappointment myself.

I was at that time walking through a disappointment of my own.   I realized that minute that I had been asking My Father for little surprises to show me his love in my hurts and healing. 

In that moment, something snapped inside me and with urgency I dashed to the door.  The chimes grew closer, and called the kids from the kitchen commanding them to get their quarters.  

They couldn’t believe it!  Mom had changed her mind and they were elated.  As they were scraping their quarters together, I ran outside to stop the ice cream truck that had just begun its course down our street.  

Impractical, nonsensical, but oh soooo fun!  They were delighted, and it caused my delight to grow.  The next thing I did was even more of a surprise.   As soon as we got back inside, I commanded them to eat their icecream.  Yes.  Before dinner.  And as I watchend their little eyes light up for joy in their simple little gifts, my joy tank filled, and my eyes lit up. 

You see, when my kids are happy; when joy exudes in their beings, I am overjoyed.  I could go on with story after story of the way I feel when my children experience joy, love, walk in their truth, etc.   

When I bought my son a pair of shoes this weekend, I saw it again.  Like the many times before I’ve experienced my children’s joy, my entire being lights up.  

My being lights up!

And the spiritual law of reaping and sowing.... that universal law of attraction cannot be denied! 

Joy breeds joy, generousity breeds generousity.  I love my children in the details of their hearts desires.  I cannot always do all of the things they want. (single mom on a budget)  

My creator  hears the secret unspoken desires in my heart.  He knows all of my longings, and he delights in answering every single one of them.  He loves me immeasurably more than I love my kids.  He is a good Father and often with an amazing sense of humor... shows up for me with a surprise to delight my heart and His. 

You have not because you ask not.  What surprises are lingering at the heart of you?  What can you do to surprise another human in your world?  Think about it.

Please don’t stop the music.....

Throwing Stones

from Chapter 10

As I picked up the other picture, a warm smile instinctively took me back to the moment.  I was sitting at my parents stereo system.  Their stereo system looked like something one would see from a science fiction movie. With its huge speakers larger than me, the turntable, and all the knobs with equalizers, needles, and lights …. This was my control panel.  My space ship that I handled it with ease, confidence, and poise.  Headphones on my little bitty head wobbled around at the tightest setting, and I had to hold them at my ears still to keep out the surrounding noise.  

My ritual began....  I studied the cover first, finding a way to identify with the artists.    I desired to know everything I could before the music played.  What was the story within the music?   I wanted to know. I would covet the beauty of the singer if she were a female.  

It was a weighty decision.... to choose from all of the greats.  Some of my regular visitors were Barry Manilow, Neal Diamond, Seals and Croft, The Carpenters, The Eagles, or my 10 year old very favorite…. Barbara Mandrell.  “You can eat crackers in my bed any time… baby….”

I could sit for hours with the giant headphones.  Oh, those dear headphones that practically engulfed my entire head.  They were never tight enough so I would just have to hold them on my ears to stay secure.  I didn’t care.  Music connected me to my soul, and to my beloved 111 Brentwood Drive.  Music brought her back.  I became the characters inside the song, identifying with what they must have been feeling within their story.  I created, and lived inside those stories from my perceptions.  Belting out the songs, I had no idea how off key or off pitch I would sound to the outside world.  Until the dreadful day…

That day, I was in my favorite spot in the house again; the purest most truthful place.  As the rocket ship countdown began in my mind, “10-9-8-7….”

I am sliding my favorite vinyl from its cover.  With its shiny and black, and I was giddy with excitement as I began to match up the center hole on the vinyl to its perfect connection on the turntable.  “6-5-4-…” 

Flip the on switch….

On come the dinosaur headphones…

 “3-2-1… BLAST OFF!!!!”

The needle dropped. 

We have an ignition….

…. And oh the beautiful staticky white noise right before the music began was a part of my experience.  

The memory of it still feels like home deep in my soul. 

 Blasting off into my melodic atmosphere, I left my troubled world and all its problems behind.  For just a few moments, I was free from all of it.  I was in control.  

And then the song began…

“Summer breeze!  Makes me feel fine…” I sang.

“Blowing through the jasmine in my mind… "

In my mind, my jumprope make shift microphone in hand, On my stage,  I was the star of the show, my audience in full captivation, belting out my lyrics with passion and conviction.

Half the time I did not even know the lyrics, and I made my own up. 

One of the old family stories that made its rounds at every big gathering is the country song “Jose’ Cuervo,” by an artist named Ann Murray.  The lyrics go a little like this…  “Jose Cuervo, you are a friend of mine….” 

             Well the Shelli version for some odd reason sounded something like this….

             “OJ Simpson, you are a friend of mine…” 

There is absolutely no telling how I came up with those lyrics; it did not even sound like Jose’ Cuervo….. But it was my song and I would sing it the way I pleased.  It always got a great family laugh.  Every. Single. Time.

So now, operating in my expertise of my spaceship, under MY CONTROL, I left my world light years behind me, and I belted out my tune with intensity, passion, and feeling.  My eyes closed, (because that is what all singers did on Hee-Haw at least, when they sang and I was no different.)  

“Summer Breeze! Makes me feel fine…”

Lost in my own world,  something jarred me into reality.  In that moment of opening my eyes, a  scene out my tiny window sent my spaceship careening back to earth with a cataclysmic explosion of epic proportions. 

The wreckage left behind nothing recognizable within me, and from that moment on, I never flew my spaceship again.....

“Its time to stop hiding My light with your own darkness.”

Chapter 11 excerpt........

Welcoming me from my slumber, the percolating tune  aroused my senses and danced with  intoxicating warmth,  What sweet music to my ears.  Standing barefoot, cold floor, wrapped up in my blanket, I waited.   Drumming  fingers, I smiled as knew I had gained some incredible ground the day before.  I had ended my day finding a fancy white table cloth restaurant, and even though there was nothing fancy in my clothing, and I was by myself, I was definitely not alone, and felt as though I was the most beautiful lady in the room.

Pouring the dark rich brew, and cupping my mug in both hands, I inhaled the beautiful brown liquid and smiled.  My smile grew bigger as I thought about the victories to come today.  For I had a plan!  I knew I still had one more letter to write.  But I also had this burning question echoing in my heart.

“What will you do with the stones….” 

Hot steamy mug in hand, blanket trailing behind me, I headed to the porch.  I had slept in, and missed the sunrise, but I was captivated by the crisp, clear view of the valley this morning.  Once again, all of the earth proclaimed the majesty and glory of the King.  Drinking in the greens mingled with the hintings of oranges, reds,  and yellow tints, I felt energized and ready for my tasks.  My rock beckoned me.....

Sat on my special rock, wrapped half way in my cozy blanket.  For there was a hint of the remaining signs of dawn, and the chill in the air played tag with the rising heat of the sun.  I reflected at how how marvelous was His creation. How wonderful his handiwork.  I lay on this flat rock staring up at the trees, specks of blue from the mid morning sky, peeking thru the silhouette of trees.  I felt his breath in the wind soothe.  His nature cried out in adoration of his majesty.   I lay on the flat rock looking up and watching the branches dance and sway; the rustle of the leaves, the insects chirping; all praising Him  and in my mind I praised, not wanting to interrupt the voices of nature around me..  I see how all creation was made to honor and glorify and in my now soft singing I felt Him draw near…  As I praised Him for his beauty, I immediately felt Him respond to me with “daughter, you are more beautiful than this to me.  You are a light bringer.  I created you to bring light to the world.“  In that moment I felt so strongly His love and adoration of me.  No visions, no dreams, but I felt His  presence.  I rested a bit longer, and decided the time had come.  I had work to do.  

“What will you do with the stones…”

I kept hearing that question in my spirit.  The letter had to be written.  I needed to complete that assignment.  Pen and paper begged me inside to retrieve them.  For some reason, long hand helped me process.  The long scripted cursive lettering flowed from my pen, and something in that movement released  creativity allowing my thoughts readily to leap on paper. 

 I walked inside to retrieve them, and I heard it once again… the question. 

“What will you do with the…..”

“The stones!  Yes, I know, the stones…” I interrupted. 

I took my work out from the day before, reviewing all of the circled bold printed lies I’d made note of.  Every single lie that had pierced my spirit through the years, boldly printed; dark strait scratches, much different than my beautiful cursive loops and swirls. 

Abandonment

Rejection

Doubt

Secrecy

Insecurity

Loneliness

Fear

Shame

These lies,  huge stones had killed my beautiful garden,  rich in soil, vibrant in colors, and sweetly scented with a spicy star-shaped reddish purple blooms.  Dramatic clusters of color, mingled with a heavy scented and lovely pure white.  Clematis towering the trellis high among the most vividly painted deep red roses I had ever seen bloom,  Red everywhere.  Butterflies danced all around their playground of color.  This was my garden, my soul......until the stones began to pound upon each flower.  One by one, I imagined how the stones thrown had pounded the flowers, and overgrown my garden.  The color, aroma, beauty had left.  The butterflies found another place to dance.  

I began to find my own stones to pile  around the garden, a bulwark to keep everyone out!   There was no more garden.  Only dirt, stony soil, weeds, dried up foliage, rocks.  

This had been the state of my soul…Ruins.  No light.  Only gray stony dirt, lifeless, and cold. 

“What will you do with them?” he asked me again.