"Next Year"

Six years ago, my marriage ended.  

I thought that my “six years later/perfect picture” would look much different. Seems to me that those “perfect pictures” are the contributing factors that ended my marriage in the first place, but that is for a separate conversation altogether.

This morning, I wake up with a grateful heart because this was my first year on the beach vacation with my family that I didn't "wish" for anything. There was no undertone of sadness or regret like the last years. There was no wish for a different future.

Let me explain: Every family vacation or holiday gathering the first five years post divorce, I sat on that beach (or in a home) with the mentality of "next year" I will have ____________, "next year" I will be ______________. Always next year. Always wishing for something different than the position I was standing. "Next year" I would show my family and friends my success in ____________. My family would catch me saying, "LUCKY!!!!" (family joke)

Fill in the blanks with whatever your "next year" could be. For FIVE YEARS I lived in that wishing for my "perfect picture" for my "next year" and I measured my value and success against what I didn't have. Did you catch that?  

I MEASURED MY VALUE AND SUCCESS AGAINST THE THINGS I DIDN'T ATTAIN OR HAVE.

Year six..... 2016, I went through some terrible things. And by terrible, I mean TERRIBLE and WONDERFUL! Had I not lived through it, I would not know my own strength and the fact that I could not have gotten through it without my Savior. My confidence muscle grew and my stillness muscle grew ALOT. I would not understand Grace at all had I not gone through it! I would not know how to live in the mentality of peace and present-mindedness.

I am overwhelmed today because I sat on my beach and I looked at the beautifully painted sunsets and embraced the "nows" in my life. I did not focus on the storm behind me rolling in. (see picture) I enjoyed my beautiful happy family! And by beautiful happy family I mean.... WE are CRAZY too! I love what graduate school and my therapist training has taught me about family systems. We are not perfect but we love big. We celebrated togetherness... and needed space sometimes too! Joy and Laughter abounded. Simplicity was embraced. I experienced it all, and not ONE TIME, NOT ONCE did I think to myself, "next year."

I didn't look back and wallow in my past storms either. 

I do honor them.

In my stillness over that terrible wonderful 2016 I was in the trenches, and it was hard. I stayed still, but it was hard. I learned that the old way of doing things was not serving me well. I learned about love, practiced gratitude and mindfulness, and practiced how to be present. There was a total mind shift! All my "next years" are not a part of my process, and I am DELIGHTED IN MY NOW!!!

I AM DELIGHTED IN MY NOW!!!

I am so glad I did not get what I wished for.... I would not be the woman I am now. I love my NOW. There is no "wishing" Only expectation for more amazing experiences of love, joy, and abundance.  

The grit, blood, sweat, and tears it took to get here was so worth it! Nothing of value comes easy and without a price... It was hard work. It isn't easy. If you want more freedom, I can teach you.

Let freedom ring!

Surprised By Love

“But me he caught—reached all the way
 from sky to sea; he pulled me out of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down,
  But God stuck by me.  
He stood me up on a wide-open field; 
I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

Surprises are my love language. (Not really.... but kinda)  

I feel loved when someone thoughtfully brings me a surprise.  It can be a flower, a note, a call.  Or any little thing, really.  It’s the time and thought someone takes to show me that they care that fills my heart with so much joy.

God has been teaching me about his love for me.  Sometimes, He takes me by surprise by the little gifts he gives me that are just between us.  Only in the secret places of my heart does He know these little longings.  I shouldn't be, but I am surprised to be loved.  

I am surprised by His love. 

I imagine that He gets a lot of joy from giving them to me.  I know when my kids are given a surprise by me, that I am delighted.  

Like the time the ice cream truck came through......

It was a few hours before dinner and the chimes of the ice cream truck came through the neighborhood.  Perturbed by this scenario and what I knew was about to play out.... I sighed.  What kind of person drives an ice cream truck through the neighborhood before dinner!?  It NEVER comes in our neighborhood!   Now I am going to be the "bad guy" and have to say no!  

Immediately, I heard Tripp scurry upstairs to get his money.  "Mommy!  The ice cream truck!!!! Can we?????"  

(I get called mommy when they want something)  

"Can we get some???   I'll pay for it?!"  He was bursting with hopefulness.  

(Gosh, how many times have I wanted something, bursting with hopefulness?)

I said, "No," just as Lily was running in to ask the same thing.  

"NO NO NO.  We have icecream in the freezer," I said practically.  "You can have it after dinner."

"Mom  PLEEEEEZE?"

"NO, ITS TOO CLOSE TO DINNER…."

“MOMEEEEEE?????  PLEEEEEEZE????”  Tripp started with tears welling up in his sensitive little 8 year old eyes.  

“No, its not up for debate.  You don’t need it.”  

It was final.  I did not hear any more arguing about it, but I knew they were disappointed. I felt bad.  I started to remember a disappointment myself.

I was at that time walking through a disappointment of my own.   I realized that minute that I had been asking My Father for little surprises to show me his love in my hurts and healing. 

In that moment, something snapped inside me and with urgency I dashed to the door.  The chimes grew closer, and called the kids from the kitchen commanding them to get their quarters.  

They couldn’t believe it!  Mom had changed her mind and they were elated.  As they were scraping their quarters together, I ran outside to stop the ice cream truck that had just begun its course down our street.  

Impractical, nonsensical, but oh soooo fun!  They were delighted, and it caused my delight to grow.  The next thing I did was even more of a surprise.   As soon as we got back inside, I commanded them to eat their icecream.  Yes.  Before dinner.  And as I watchend their little eyes light up for joy in their simple little gifts, my joy tank filled, and my eyes lit up. 

You see, when my kids are happy; when joy exudes in their beings, I am overjoyed.  I could go on with story after story of the way I feel when my children experience joy, love, walk in their truth, etc.   

When I bought my son a pair of shoes this weekend, I saw it again.  Like the many times before I’ve experienced my children’s joy, my entire being lights up.  

My being lights up!

And the spiritual law of reaping and sowing.... that universal law of attraction cannot be denied! 

Joy breeds joy, generousity breeds generousity.  I love my children in the details of their hearts desires.  I cannot always do all of the things they want. (single mom on a budget)  

My creator  hears the secret unspoken desires in my heart.  He knows all of my longings, and he delights in answering every single one of them.  He loves me immeasurably more than I love my kids.  He is a good Father and often with an amazing sense of humor... shows up for me with a surprise to delight my heart and His. 

You have not because you ask not.  What surprises are lingering at the heart of you?  What can you do to surprise another human in your world?  Think about it.

Please don’t stop the music.....

Throwing Stones

from Chapter 10

As I picked up the other picture, a warm smile instinctively took me back to the moment.  I was sitting at my parents stereo system.  Their stereo system looked like something one would see from a science fiction movie. With its huge speakers larger than me, the turntable, and all the knobs with equalizers, needles, and lights …. This was my control panel.  My space ship that I handled it with ease, confidence, and poise.  Headphones on my little bitty head wobbled around at the tightest setting, and I had to hold them at my ears still to keep out the surrounding noise.  

My ritual began....  I studied the cover first, finding a way to identify with the artists.    I desired to know everything I could before the music played.  What was the story within the music?   I wanted to know. I would covet the beauty of the singer if she were a female.  

It was a weighty decision.... to choose from all of the greats.  Some of my regular visitors were Barry Manilow, Neal Diamond, Seals and Croft, The Carpenters, The Eagles, or my 10 year old very favorite…. Barbara Mandrell.  “You can eat crackers in my bed any time… baby….”

I could sit for hours with the giant headphones.  Oh, those dear headphones that practically engulfed my entire head.  They were never tight enough so I would just have to hold them on my ears to stay secure.  I didn’t care.  Music connected me to my soul, and to my beloved 111 Brentwood Drive.  Music brought her back.  I became the characters inside the song, identifying with what they must have been feeling within their story.  I created, and lived inside those stories from my perceptions.  Belting out the songs, I had no idea how off key or off pitch I would sound to the outside world.  Until the dreadful day…

That day, I was in my favorite spot in the house again; the purest most truthful place.  As the rocket ship countdown began in my mind, “10-9-8-7….”

I am sliding my favorite vinyl from its cover.  With its shiny and black, and I was giddy with excitement as I began to match up the center hole on the vinyl to its perfect connection on the turntable.  “6-5-4-…” 

Flip the on switch….

On come the dinosaur headphones…

 “3-2-1… BLAST OFF!!!!”

The needle dropped. 

We have an ignition….

…. And oh the beautiful staticky white noise right before the music began was a part of my experience.  

The memory of it still feels like home deep in my soul. 

 Blasting off into my melodic atmosphere, I left my troubled world and all its problems behind.  For just a few moments, I was free from all of it.  I was in control.  

And then the song began…

“Summer breeze!  Makes me feel fine…” I sang.

“Blowing through the jasmine in my mind… "

In my mind, my jumprope make shift microphone in hand, On my stage,  I was the star of the show, my audience in full captivation, belting out my lyrics with passion and conviction.

Half the time I did not even know the lyrics, and I made my own up. 

One of the old family stories that made its rounds at every big gathering is the country song “Jose’ Cuervo,” by an artist named Ann Murray.  The lyrics go a little like this…  “Jose Cuervo, you are a friend of mine….” 

             Well the Shelli version for some odd reason sounded something like this….

             “OJ Simpson, you are a friend of mine…” 

There is absolutely no telling how I came up with those lyrics; it did not even sound like Jose’ Cuervo….. But it was my song and I would sing it the way I pleased.  It always got a great family laugh.  Every. Single. Time.

So now, operating in my expertise of my spaceship, under MY CONTROL, I left my world light years behind me, and I belted out my tune with intensity, passion, and feeling.  My eyes closed, (because that is what all singers did on Hee-Haw at least, when they sang and I was no different.)  

“Summer Breeze! Makes me feel fine…”

Lost in my own world,  something jarred me into reality.  In that moment of opening my eyes, a  scene out my tiny window sent my spaceship careening back to earth with a cataclysmic explosion of epic proportions. 

The wreckage left behind nothing recognizable within me, and from that moment on, I never flew my spaceship again.....

“Its time to stop hiding My light with your own darkness.”

Chapter 11 excerpt........

Welcoming me from my slumber, the percolating tune  aroused my senses and danced with  intoxicating warmth,  What sweet music to my ears.  Standing barefoot, cold floor, wrapped up in my blanket, I waited.   Drumming  fingers, I smiled as knew I had gained some incredible ground the day before.  I had ended my day finding a fancy white table cloth restaurant, and even though there was nothing fancy in my clothing, and I was by myself, I was definitely not alone, and felt as though I was the most beautiful lady in the room.

Pouring the dark rich brew, and cupping my mug in both hands, I inhaled the beautiful brown liquid and smiled.  My smile grew bigger as I thought about the victories to come today.  For I had a plan!  I knew I still had one more letter to write.  But I also had this burning question echoing in my heart.

“What will you do with the stones….” 

Hot steamy mug in hand, blanket trailing behind me, I headed to the porch.  I had slept in, and missed the sunrise, but I was captivated by the crisp, clear view of the valley this morning.  Once again, all of the earth proclaimed the majesty and glory of the King.  Drinking in the greens mingled with the hintings of oranges, reds,  and yellow tints, I felt energized and ready for my tasks.  My rock beckoned me.....

Sat on my special rock, wrapped half way in my cozy blanket.  For there was a hint of the remaining signs of dawn, and the chill in the air played tag with the rising heat of the sun.  I reflected at how how marvelous was His creation. How wonderful his handiwork.  I lay on this flat rock staring up at the trees, specks of blue from the mid morning sky, peeking thru the silhouette of trees.  I felt his breath in the wind soothe.  His nature cried out in adoration of his majesty.   I lay on the flat rock looking up and watching the branches dance and sway; the rustle of the leaves, the insects chirping; all praising Him  and in my mind I praised, not wanting to interrupt the voices of nature around me..  I see how all creation was made to honor and glorify and in my now soft singing I felt Him draw near…  As I praised Him for his beauty, I immediately felt Him respond to me with “daughter, you are more beautiful than this to me.  You are a light bringer.  I created you to bring light to the world.“  In that moment I felt so strongly His love and adoration of me.  No visions, no dreams, but I felt His  presence.  I rested a bit longer, and decided the time had come.  I had work to do.  

“What will you do with the stones…”

I kept hearing that question in my spirit.  The letter had to be written.  I needed to complete that assignment.  Pen and paper begged me inside to retrieve them.  For some reason, long hand helped me process.  The long scripted cursive lettering flowed from my pen, and something in that movement released  creativity allowing my thoughts readily to leap on paper. 

 I walked inside to retrieve them, and I heard it once again… the question. 

“What will you do with the…..”

“The stones!  Yes, I know, the stones…” I interrupted. 

I took my work out from the day before, reviewing all of the circled bold printed lies I’d made note of.  Every single lie that had pierced my spirit through the years, boldly printed; dark strait scratches, much different than my beautiful cursive loops and swirls. 

Abandonment

Rejection

Doubt

Secrecy

Insecurity

Loneliness

Fear

Shame

These lies,  huge stones had killed my beautiful garden,  rich in soil, vibrant in colors, and sweetly scented with a spicy star-shaped reddish purple blooms.  Dramatic clusters of color, mingled with a heavy scented and lovely pure white.  Clematis towering the trellis high among the most vividly painted deep red roses I had ever seen bloom,  Red everywhere.  Butterflies danced all around their playground of color.  This was my garden, my soul......until the stones began to pound upon each flower.  One by one, I imagined how the stones thrown had pounded the flowers, and overgrown my garden.  The color, aroma, beauty had left.  The butterflies found another place to dance.  

I began to find my own stones to pile  around the garden, a bulwark to keep everyone out!   There was no more garden.  Only dirt, stony soil, weeds, dried up foliage, rocks.  

This had been the state of my soul…Ruins.  No light.  Only gray stony dirt, lifeless, and cold. 

“What will you do with them?” he asked me again.  

Keep your Pearls to Yourself

This post is mainly for the Ladies!

"Don't Cast Your Pearls to Swine"

Matthew 7:6

Here I am again, writing when I am supposed to be studying.

This is how it usually happens.  I have a deadline, and I write of those other things and stay in denial of what is due.  I am supposed to be writing about another sexual disfunction from my sex therapy class.  Due Monday!  Yet, as I have researched and reflected on todays sexual culture, I cannot NOT write you you today.   Let me begin with a brief, and I do mean BRIEF history of the pearl!

Pearls are the world's oldest and most treasured gem.  Unlike gemstones that are mined from the earth, the beauty and brilliance from pearls  are produced by living organisms;  irritants, or parasites become lodged in the oysters' soft inner flesh and a substance called crystalline is produced that builds up around the irritant in layers until a pearl is formed.

In ancient Rome, pearls were considered the greatest status symbol and so precious were they considered, that Ceasar decreed that only the ruling classes should be allowed to wear them.  In Ancient China, pearls were considered to represent purity by the pearl wearer....

PURE AND PRECIOUS

Stay with me here ladies....  Did you know that you are a pearl?  A treasured daughter of the Most High God and your pearls are brilliant from all of the pieces of your story, your irritants, parasites, and years of protection in that shell?  Something beautiful in you has been made from perhaps so not-so beautiful surroundings too!  You are beautiful, unique, and priceless.  Your story is to be treasured.  Your body is priceless.   Your soul is magnificent!  These are your pearls!

Why do you NOT protect what is so magnificent?  A family heirloom is treated with more respect and cherished with more care oftentimes than your own body and soul.  I speak now in reference to the culture we live in where casual sex, pornography, swinging, group sex (to name a few) is fairly common.  As single adult, I see it everywhere from school, churches, online dating sites, to the work force.  If you are looking for that, it is certainly  not difficult to find.  In fact, if you are not looking for it.... it tries to find you!   I have recently had to (once again)  deactivate my online dating site of choice as it is inundated with the perversions that I have no patience to weed through.

Teens, you are experiencing it at school.  You think it's ok to participate in various other activities excluding intercourse because then you are "still a virgin."    Young ladies are trying so hard to fit in and keep the boy that they will participate.  There is so much pressure!  This is not to shame you ladies.  This is to show you that your value is far greater!  For you are more precious than even the most precious gems!  

This is not to scare you into purity either.  I don't believe in fear tactics.  (spoken from a recovered codependent who lived in fear) I want you to see your value and love yourself!

When you move too fast physically with a guy, you are giving your pearls to someone who has definitely not earned them.  He doesn't value you enough to take care of them.  How can he, since you just met him?   Those pearls will get thrown in the mud for sure.

When you are vulnerable with too much of your story too soon... (I've been there too) he/she has not earned that.  Brene Brown talks about this when she says that not everyone deserves to hear those parts of your story.  Not everyone deserves to share that vulnerable side with you.  Trust must be built first.

Trust takes time.  In our society we all are used to immediate gratification and we "want it all now"

Be patient.

But instead, as a society, we cast our pearls out to anyone who will take them, (the swine) and they end up in the mud!  Your soul is hurt, you feel betrayed, you have given a piece of yourself (sexually or non sexually) to someone who has not proven trustworthy or earned it.

I AM NOT ONLY REFERRING TO YOUR BODIES AND SEX.

When you make a new friend, and confide in them before they have build trust?  You have casted your pearls to swine.    I have done this in relationships that are plutonic and romantic in my past.  Have you ever done this with a new relationship?  Have you ever shared so much of yourself and your story quickly in attempt to build that close bond?  Oh man, That used to be my angle... for years and years...  And boy did I learn some painful lessons.   Keep those treasured pearls to you and your bestie!

I know, I know, I've been there...... Its the whole "if they know me they will love me" mentality.   Well, don't need to perform to get love!  You are already loved with an everlasting love dear girl!

AGAIN, it takes the value and treasures of you and cheapens as you share.  No one has earned the right to hold your pearls, until you have patiently built that trust.

KEEP YOUR PEARLS TO YOURSELF.  

.  

A little quote I hear occasionally when I meet a new friend or date a new guy is this, and its short but sweet...  "say little"    Say little.  Listen more.  Build the trust.  If its genuine, then you will know in time, and then, when you pull out a pearl to share, it WILL be valued and cherished.   

SEXY PICS

I did some research and do you know that there are instructions using barbies out there to teach you how to take a sexy photo to post? 

When you post a sensual "gasp face" (This is in by the way, and duck face is out apparently),
show cleavage, or then to that add  a scandally clothed picture of yourself (bikini...low cut top...short shorts, mid drift) on any social media, you have casted your pearls to swine.  Just saying.  I know it is hard to hear, but its true!

 Those are your breasts!  

That is your cleavage!

YES, it is all beautiful!

But now the whole world sees it and you have just cheapened yourself ladies....

I won't post anything like it...  I'm a bore I guess.. but the a few of the good guys (and a lot of swine) actually still come knocking at my boring pictures on that online dating website that I just shut down again.....

That is MY body and I respect ME  enough and I respect my  future husband (someday) enough to show even him that NO ONE has seen what is now his.  Not his buddies on Facebook or Instagram from a picture I posted.  Only him.  How beautiful is that women, if we save those most precious gems for HIM!  How loved and cherished will he feel by us knowing we did that?  How rich of a relationship do we set ourselves up for when we stay patient?

Do you want to be a sex object for men to visualize and then fantasize about?  That is what you do when you post sexy pics of yourself.  You have officially objectified yourself.  Yes, you will definitely get the attention you want.  But is that the attention you really want?

KEEP YOUR PEARLS TO YOURSELF.

When you send a sexy picture to someone via text.... more swine.  Not gonna lie, when I say I have had men ask, and even when I have wanted to (which is just about never) I remember how much I respect my body and my treasured pearls.  I remember my future and how loved my future will feel because of my choice now.  Once a picture is out, its out and you can't get it back!

Girls, you have WORKED hard for your pearls.  You have endured, and run that race.....  don't throw them now.  Hold on to your precious gems, keep your soul safe, and your body as the temple of the Lord.

The greatest things in our lives are worth waiting patiently for.  

Keep your pearls to yourself... They are way more beautiful on you than any swine...

Picture This.....

Want to get a picture of your own heart and soul?  Hold up a mirror?  Think about your thoughts and judgements towards others.    How do you feel about the person you like the least?  That right there my friend is an accurate snapshot of your heart.

Often, the flaws or things we judge in others are the things we judge  deep down into ourselves.  A particular person I love very much once said something hurtful to me and judgmental about how I handled some things in my life.  Did I sit in that hurt and stew awhile?  Well, heck yeah I did!  But not too long... Because certain tools I have acquired in my toolbox were pulled out and I directed myself back to center.  The thing I knew was that for that person to speak this, meant they didn't have a very high opinion of themselves at the time.  I actually felt compassion for that person once I did the work.  

That statement really was not about me at all.  I can allow that statement to enter into my "hula-hoop" or I can toss it in the bucket with the rest of the junk that gets thrown my way.  

Often, I want to judge others in my life that I feel hurt or wronged by.  I honor the feelings I feel, not shaming myself.  I do not react.  I grab another tool from my toolbox.  Getting to work, I realize the work in my own heart, self image, or judgements about myself are really the problem and not that person at all.  

What's going on in that heart of yours?  Take at look at your perception of others.  

Here's to doing the hard work for freedom.

CHEERS!  

sticks and stones

     Sticks and Stones                               

~The material I write is birthed in gritty, sweaty, gut wrenching experience.  This piece is no different than any other.  My words, ink dipped in the quell of human experiences, metaphorical and rich from suffering, joy, and beautiful lessons my amazing children teach me daily about my Creator's love for me.  Sticks and Stones comes after a hiatus of over 5 months.  After a season of still and quiet, holding on for dear life, and believing for greatness through the storms in life.  My testimony is that yes reader... you are greater than any suffering you may face.  You are greater because of the stick and stone.  Hold on dearest... you are right where you are supposed to be......

So much in the last 4 months has taught me the art of intentionality.  Every choice, every word, action, one after the other bears tremendous weight and influence.  We are all influencers; carrying with us a little bag of stones........

 

Sharp, smooth, shiny, jagged..... each a story from our own experience.  They can carry us, or we can carry them.  What we do with each stone; how we carry this weight mirrors our heart.  As a man thinketh, so he is.  The message our stones carry in tandem with the force we take it from our little bag and toss (or THROW) produce ripples that have the power to change the trajectory of a generation... maybe even two generations.  How deep of an impact will that disturbance make?  Our stones can be used to build up, encourage, and bear witness of beauty.  Or our stones can be thrown in accusations, oftentimes unintentionally and sometimes to purposefully damage. 

We bear a responsibility for our stones' throws.  Carelessly toss one at another in a put down, sarcasm, humor at another's expense and you've created a ripple.  Breathe a gentle word of kindness in a stone offering and a different ripple takes form. 

Intentionality..........

Before he was King......

David, the perceived illegitimate,  misfit, and forgotten carried his sling and  stones.   The misunderstood and tossed aside young shepherd boy with nothing to offer an oppressed people  held a bag of stones.  

David knew of bullies.  

He was surrounded by them.  But there was one we know of well, a giant bully.  This terrorizing, manipulating, and  havoc wreaking bully met his match with a young shepherd misfit boy.  With only a song in his heart, a prayer on his tongue, and a shout of praise and victory in the name of the Lord as his battle cry, a small misunderstood misfit reached into his bag, took a small stone. His stone that mirrored his heart of steadfastness  was hurled in his worship battle cry.  With only a stick and a tiny stone, the GIANT bully fell to the ground dead.......

Jesus had a stick and stones...

When the bullies swarmed around the woman in the street, caught in her harlotry, they threw stones at her.  Fierce accusations, hate, seething with self-righteous piety, with intention to destroy her for her "unforgivable acts." Each stone mirroring their own hearts.   

Jesus took a stick and wrote in the sand..... 

What he wrote is a mystery.  Perhaps he wrote all of the offenses of 

the bullies right there in the sand for all to see....  

But as he stood with a stone in hand, he offered just one bully the opportunity to hurl that jagged fierce accusing stone at the helpless.  The bullies' own stones meant to shatter that mirror.  Instead, as Jesus extended the stone,  they walked away in defeat.  Jesus, the Stone that was rejected by their jagged hearts....He not with accusation, extended that sharp stone with the force of  GRACE.  Jesus, with his stick and stone, offered kindness, love forgiveness.  

And I return now to David who defeated a Bully with a stone, calling on the name of the Lord.  The mirror of his heart.  I choose kindness, love forgiveness with my stones. With my stick, I write to inspire my audience to walk in their own authenticity and intentionality. Your stones.... Do they purely mirror your heart?  You carry the Power to change generations either way.