I celebrated another birthday recently. I seem to get deep and reflective on birthdays (just birthdays?????), glancing over my past year and challenging myself for the next. I celebrated the victories, lessons, and growth. I also saw a specific area that was not serving me well at all. My conviction was to live this next year contrary to my controlling tendencies. At first, when I saw this control, I argued with myself. ME????? CONTROLLING!??? NOT ME! I abhor controlling behavior! Most who really know me, totally get this about me too. If there is one thing I hate, its feeling controlled or witnessing controlling behavior. My next thought was, "Hmmmm, aren't those qualities I detest in others really the same qualities in myself that I hate? Isn't that why I project?"
I was getting that gentle tap on the shoulder; the one when I think I have all my "shit" together and more is actually revealed to me. I hate those taps sometimes, but I am also thankful for them.
Honestly, I have never considered myself a control FREAK (or what my perception of a control freaks are), yet places in my heart still remain shut out to surrender. Heavy barricaded doors block those rooms in my heart where I still want to tell God what I want, need, and deserve. If I will them enough to come or speak out loud into the universe enough to come, then these desires will come back to me. A gentle nudging in my soul this past weekend revealed my need to control; soft, non-intrusive tapping spotlighted secret places still thirsty for freedom.
For a few minutes, I argued with the presented logical question, "How has that been working so far?"
I have a good life. I lack for nothing. I am blessed," I argue.
"So why are you trying to control this good, lacking for nothing, and blessed life?"
"I'm not???!"
"Really???" I can almost see my Creator grinning as I hear him speak this.
Stopping dead in my thoughts, I got it. I got that I was holding on to places to control. Fear of releasing stole my freedom. My heart hungers for freedom.
Freedom is the antithesis of control. SURRENDER is what I need. Surrender of the thoughts; of the what if's, the must have's, the if only's, the dream jobs, and the dream man. I realize that there is no dream job, dream man, dream situation, dream anything, but just the NOW and the being in surrender of it.
I think I like this surrendering so far. The freedom that comes from me raising this white flag; of relinquishing my perceived control is PEACE.
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